I love Robert Wright’s “None Zero Sum Game” concept.  Being an English major, I love words and terms… I like the sound of the phrase itself.  Still…I cannot avoid seeing the logic behind the ideal that it is for self preservation that we should/must work to gain deeper understanding of cultures that hate us, for when we do, we can figure out how to get them to not hate us.

I am thinking that this concept can also apply to personal relationships.

Here is what I mean…

It is all so easy and habitually natural at the least, to hold to resentment, to regurgitate the experiences of victimization and sometimes to expand the negative experience in our minds to further the need for anger and hate.

It is also just as easy to find flaw in others and replay those aspects both externally and internally to feed some sense of insecurity in our own selves.  Doing such a thing can make us feel good if only temporarily.  But lets be fair and discuss what this “good” feeling is.  It is not a true “good” emotion.  What I mean to say by this is that true good should last, when it comes to our emotional state, but the good feelings, the temporary feeling of superiority over others, does not give us long term good feelings.  Equivalent to doing drugs, we have to do it again to gain that good feeling.  And like drugs, possesing ill feelings toward others tears away the good nutrients from our hearts, souls and I propose, even from our physical bodies.

Why am I talking about this you may be asking?
I am talking about this because I have been in a long term discussion, more like an argument with my extremely articulate and highly intelligent twenty year old son.

I have been on a crusade.

My crusade has been to convince him of just that concept.. to attempt to understand some of those difficult people around him.  The reason why I use the term “crusade” is because I am really good at preaching when I feel that someone is being wrong, especially when it is my own son who I expect to be as good as God(I am agnostic by the way so I am not sure of the consequence of this word that I am using with little remorse).

But here is what I realized… just recently… and have been thinking about it…
I too do exactly the same thing that my son has been doing, what I have been trying to talk him out of…

I too often am unwilling to forgive or even just to move on.  In my heart, I designate, those who are good people vs. those who are bad.  Of course I would never admit that I do such a simplistic a thing, but really in the end, that is what my thinking or my judgment ends up amounting to.
Of course I could not guide him to think differently about these people.  I have showed him for the first twenty years of his life, how to hold a grudge, to judge, to shun those who hurt me, insult me, etc… much more often than attempting a deeper understanding, having compassion, love, etc…

It is not easy being  a parent, if one wants to be truly effective.  Sometimes, teaching or guiding is not about talking it but living it.  It takes a long time.

So here I am… from today forward, I will have to try my hat at deeper forgiveness, compassion, better understanding of those who hurt me or are difficult, or are prejudiced, etc.  As I write it, I am uncertain how easy it will be for me.  And that gives me the clue as to how hard it must be for my son.

I agree whole heartedly with Wright, that it is for self preservation that we must understand others and grow our morals.  If I want my son to honestly be happy, then I must teach him how to be truly compassionate and truly empathetic.  And to do so, I must be truly compassionate and truly empathetic.  I have hard work ahead… but a great writer once said, “We can do hard.”  I say, we must.

I enjoyed watching this with my son.

What a wonderful gift to our world she is!

http://www.copyblogger.com/write-with-a-knife/

 

Bob Compton, the film maker of 2Mminutes, talks in his blog about the rigorous high school educational practices in Korea and the affect that it has had on its citizen’s standard of living.

http://2mm.typepad.com/usa/2009/12/the-three-year-high-school-in-korea-is-the-most-intense-darwinian-educational-system-i-have-witnessed-anywhere-in-the-world.html

            Dictionary.com tells us that the word “selfish” is an adjective that carries the following meaning:

            1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own

                 interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

            2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself.

 

            Thomas Leonard, the founder of Coachu University, sheds light on another way of looking at the word “selfish.”   His basic thesis is that unless one consciously takes good care of oneself, he or she cannot honestly be good to others.  When a person does not habitually meet his or her own needs, he or she tends to be needy.  In other words, a person who does not meet their own needs most often looks to others to meet them.

            When one is needy, they do not know how to unconditionally or effectively give.  One cannot give what one does not own.  Under the costume of being a giver, needy people in truth are takers.  Leonard recommends that we become selfish in order (amongst many other things) that we truly give.

            As parents we want to nurture our children to live their lives successfully and create positive imprints where ever they step.  The best possible way to do this is to model independent behaviors.  The wisest have said, we teach best by example. 

            How do we parents become selfish/self-ful people?  Thomas Leonard would say that we become self-ful people by taking excellent care of ourselves.  We take excellent care of ourselves by taking excellent care of our bodies, taking steps to resolve issues that cause stress in our lives, taking action to regularly experience pleasure and be willing to say no when we simply want to say no.  I am simplifying his message a bit here but doing these things is a good start toward selfish/self-ful life.

            We are no good to others if we are unable to or unwilling to take care of ourselves.  When we forget the passion of our hearts, our personal needs and voice, we can become needy people who in pretents of giving take that which we shouldn’t.

            An essential part of a successful life is knowing how to be happy by being in touch with what is meaningful.  Our children knowing this (practicing a life that offers them deep sense of meaning) offers us a confidence that they will very well live an optimal potentialed life.

            My brilliantly wonderful Psychology Of Woman professor once told my classmates and me, to be a good mother we must attend to our own sense of happiness (a healthy level of emotional wellbeing).  A happy mother is a good mother.  I know that when I have been the most impatient with my own child and not been my best is when I was stressed out and was not feeling very good emotionally.

            Going back then, to what Leonard argues for, that we should be selfish/self-ful to honestly be self-less, we should easily be able to acknowledge that his points make good and logical sense.  And as we live this way in view of our children, we will inspire them to continue the practice of honest giving by habitually practicing selfishness/self-fulness.  A self-ful parent is an awesome parent!

There are many good parenting methods.  We can all use a tip or two on how to raise responsible kids.  The following is about a technique that worked very well for one mom.  And it is a fun read.

http://www.svmoms.com/2009/11/the-secret-of-raising-responsible-kids.html

                        While I was coaching one of my students, I often felt very frustrated at the amount of homework that all of his teachers placed on him during his freshmen year.  I was doubtful whether they were clear on what outcome they wanted for their students. 

            In this video, Carl Honore talks about the advantage of slowing down our lives.  I think we are all susceptible to moving too fast, taking on too much and missing out on what may be truly important in our lives. 

            An indepth knowledge of grammar is not one of my strengths as a writer which is why I love this site: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/ .